Dear Baby,
After reading another post about the birth of your future BFF, I feel all warm and fuzzy about the thought of you growing inside of me at this very moment. I look around at this house- your father is asleep on the couch and your first furbaby, Gidget, is asleep next to the couch in the floor- and I just can't believe that we have created this amazing miracle. It's still feeling surreal.
My first appointment to confirm your sweet little existence is in three days. May 30th @ 2:30 p.m. I'm so nervous but so excited. My symptoms, or lack there-of, have created a little bit of anxiety. Other than being SUPER tired and unmotivated to do ANYTHING, and only two to three times of nausea, and of the course- sore boobs- I feel fine. I also feel lucky.
Before I get all mushy gushy on how excited that we are and how much an amazing father you will have and how obsessed with you your mother is becoming, let me tell you about a little friend, child, and furbaby by the name of Dozer. You would have loved him. And naturally, he would have loved you. Because that's what he did, he loved. The day before I lost him, I gained knowledge of you. And your new existence. So bittersweet. But you, you gave your mother hope, strength, and peace. And God knew that you would. My first lesson to you, baby sparks, is
God is never off on his timing.
On March 27, Daddy & I drove all the way to Indianapolis to pick up this sweet little hunk-a-junk (a nickname, one of many, that I gave Dozer) that we fell in love with after seeing a picture of him posted online. He was small, chubby, and adorable and had the puppy breath smell that I just think is precious!! We took him home with us. I fell in love with him even more when he peed in Daddy's lap while we were still 20 minutes away from home. :) At that moment, Dozer and I had a special, special bond. :)
For the next fifteen months, this little 8lb St.Bernard/Mastiff mix puppy, who was half the size of Gidget (the furbaby I hope you get the chance to meet:) turned into a 107lb puppy that had more love to give than any other dog I've ever had, or ever will have. He was my baby while I had him. He loved your daddy, of course, but you could tell he and I shared a special love and bond.
Every morning I woke up, Dozer would be asleep in the living room just until daddy would get home and take him outside to potty, then Dozer would race him into the bedroom and make sure to jump up into the bed and take his spot. When daddy told him to get down, he would- maybe after a little bit of resistance ;) - he would then walk around the bed and then get up and lay in front of me. I would put my arm around him and we would go back to sleep for awhile. Together. This happened every single morning. It never failed. I loved him so, so, so much.
Dozer had a very special spot in my heart. I think God knew just how crushed and how empty that I would be if I ever lost him. That's why he sent me you when he did.
There could only be one thing in this world that I could ever love completely the way that I loved him- and that would be a baby, a child, a miracle, and life growing inside and out of me.
On May 7th, Dozer became very ill. We don't know why or what happened, which made it all that much more difficult for your mommy to deal with, he just became sick with what we thought was just a mere belly ache. He went to the vet, got a shot, and came home later with reassurance that he would be OK.
Later that night, it didn't feel right. He could barely walk. He had no strength in his back legs. He wasn't acting himself. He still wanted to be wherever I was, but he just was..off. I told daddy and he called the vet. The vet met me at the clinic at 20 after midnight on May 8th. That was the last time I saw my Dozer walk. I'll never forget that big hunk-a-junk looking at me while I unhooked his leash from his collar and walked out of the clinic with hope of a better doggy in the AM.
Dozer got worse the next two days. I would come and visit and it would break my heart each time. He wasn't getting better. Mommy cried more in those couple of days than she ever has her entire life. I was devastated and had no idea how I was going to get over this going on.
Two days with my baby boy being at the vet- I happened to look at MyDays app on my cell phone. According to it, I was supposed to start the day before. Weird. I've never been late a day in my life. But I've also never been this stressed in my life either. But then, I just kind of had this feeling. A woman's instinct. (Now a mother's instinct) Really? Could this be? During this time in my life?
Daddy went to get an HPT for me while I took a bath. (What are the odds of that, too? Never thought the HPT I took to find out I was pregnant would be the one that daddy purchased! hehe). I was in no hurry to take the test just yet. I wanted to get some sleep before your daddy went to work (third shift is no fun!). I went to sleep for about two hours. He got up and went to work. I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards so I sat there and decided, "what the heck".
At approximately 11 p.m. on May 9th I saw two pink lines that would change our lives forever.
I took another. Two more.
I took another. Two more lines.
Oh. My. Gosh. Surreal. Bittersweet.
I was happy. I was sad. At that very moment, I knew. I knew that Dozer, my then baby, would not be coming home. It was as if God, for the first time in my life, was making his timing and reason very clear. I was devastated. But I knew. I knew that I would love you so much. That I would shift my focus from mourning to understanding, to loving, and to mothering. You were my hope. You were what lifted me up to let me know that I would be ok. That my heart was going to heal and that I would love- and I would love BIG.
Since January we were placing the timing for a baby in Gods hands. We didn't want to stress about trying, we just wanted you to happen when you were meant to. We wanted it to be natural. Even though your father and I don't talk much about God. We believe. And we trust. Especially His timing.
May of 2012 was when your existence was meant to be. And on May 9th
you became what would bring healing to my heart because the next day Dozer, my baby boy, passed away on May 10th at 2:01 p.m. This was a very sad day. Very sad. I cried and cried. But I kept telling myself that I had to be strong. I had to find peace. I still struggle with it. But I know why God sent you, Baby Sparks, when He did. Even though I will never understand why Dozer had to go, or even how it all really happened and why I couldn't save him, I know God has a special timing for every event in our lives and his timing his never off, is never wrong, and never late.
God sent you, when he did, because you would give me hope, strength, and courage to open up my heart and love big once again.
Now and for the next 33 and a half weeks I will await your arrival for the moment I can hold you in my arms and say "thank you" for making my heart whole once again. <3
You're not even here baby sparks and you're already my lifeline...
